She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
