Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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