i just wanna soil my oats bro
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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