Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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