when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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