I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
