Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
