clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Randomize
