My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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