She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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