Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i think i just lost a toe
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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