could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
