We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
