Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Damn victory sex feels great
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
