I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I look better un-naked...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
