Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
