And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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