I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
