Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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