i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
