I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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