4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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