Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
