she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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