i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
