i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
