and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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