Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
