I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
