I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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