38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
