he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
