Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
