So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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