I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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