YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
