yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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