So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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