Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
