I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize