I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
