chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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