Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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