i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
