New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
