You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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