You just made me feel so damn special
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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