I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
