There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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