Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
