Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
