hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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