Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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