Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
