i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
