take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
