I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
