Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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