I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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