woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
