clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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